Terror Firsthand #50: Real Recognize Fake

 ©Terror Firsthand is a fictional blog series that was created in 2024. It is for entertainment purposes only, and I wrote it from the top of my head. Photos are reenactments and dramatization. The following story is for mature audiences only. Please, do not try anything dangerous at home. 

Warning: extreme terror

Terror Firsthand: Real Recognize Fake 

At a Starbucks in Los Angeles with Big C 

The next day, I received a message from GD6Star. He said that he was still upset about that shi* I did in Mesa, and the fact that I wouldn't delete my escort ad from Escorts4U.Com. I messaged him back and told him that I would delete the ad after the money run out in the account, which would be in a few more days. I know it sounded extremely petty to him but I really didn't want to waste it. I told him that I wouldn't f*ck another nigga ever again. Unless he cut me off and never spoke to me again or something.

I didn't hear back from him and then I drove to a nearby gym and worked out for several hours and took a shower there. I started walking around in all blue and a blue bandana. I parked my car and I started having flashbacks of the Tipsy Hustle situation all over again. Tipsy Hustle had alot of people thinking they were Crip and they really weren't a part of that set. They were made to feel like they were accepted when they were not. That's L.A. for you.

I started to question whether or not I was a real Crip. I came to the conclusion that I am. The only problem I have with being an active member is that I don't think that it's right for me to go hard for a gang that excludes me. I can do all I can for the gang and they still will treat me like I don't belong. I could end up in prison somewhere, back in solitary confinement where I was a long time ago, except I could end up there for a long time or even forever. That is very sickening, unfair, and disgusting. I learned my lesson, f*cking with the Crips. 

I'm still going to rep the Crip gang, just for the simple fact that I have been doing it for too many years and I don't hate them. I will never stop walking around Los Angeles wearing a blue bandana. It's just not going to happen. I'm always going to wear blue. I'm not wearing red because it's too unnatural after so many years of cripping and I'm not switching gangs. I just don't like the way some of the former members were treated in prison and on the streets, even though I never knew them personally. I'm tired of seeing Crips turn on other Crips. It hurts. As the old saying gold, everything that glitters isn't old. 

It seems as though Crips are turning on each other and niggas like the late Tipsy Hustle was walking around in music videos with bloods gang members. That's backwards. There should be unity among Crips, not Crips and bloods. What's the point of being a Crip if you get along with every blood you see? That don't make sense to me at all. It never did. I don't ever recall getting along with any bloods. Even though I met a lot of them in the past. I'm not advocating for the unity of Crips and bloods. That's stupid. I just stay out of blood territory. If it's bloods around, I don't let them see me. 

I started crying over being a Crip. Gangsters do in fact cry. I cry over the Crip gang alot. I went to the store and brought some blue candles. I didn't have a place to burn them though.

While I was parked, sitting in my car, I called Tracia Pueblos back in VA. She said that I recieved a letter from Shark City Public Housing again. It was my last chance to move into an apartment before they removed me off the wait list. The appointment was set for two weeks away. I doubt if I go to the appointment. 

After that, I called Blue Cross Blue Healed again and asked him if they could put the correct mental health diagnosis into their system and take the incorrect ones out. They agreed and said that they would send me an updated copy of the health assessment. I said okay and got off the phone.

Then I watched a hood vlog about the Virginia housing projects on YouTube. Of course, I started crying. I didn't like it, but I watched the whole thing to the end. After that, I stopped by Starbucks and brought a breakfast sandwich and drank some orange juice. I started thinking about something that GD6Star had said to me. He made a comment about my hair. I didn't have a wig on or fake hair. He asked me to put fake braids in my hair. I told him that it takes 20 hours and that I have to ask someone else to part it for me in advance.  

I realized that I didn't really want any braids. Not even for him. I hate wearing braids and it's not really my style. I felt like he treated me like my hair was undone. I'm too poor for a nice wig. If I buy a synthetic wig, I can only wear it one time- like it's an outfit or something. The quality of the hair is not good enough to last. 

I never take my wigs off when I sleep in the same bed with a man. I wear them out and then they're not fresh anymore, even if I wash them. I think it is too ratchet and ghetto to remove my wig in front of a man. I don't want them to see me walking around in a scarf or a wig cap. I'm supposed to be able to afford hair that I can wear to sleep, like I'm a white woman with long hair or something. I'm not supposed to have to take the wig off around anyone. They're going to judge me either way, but I still don't want to walk around anyone looking like that. 

Another thing GD6Star said to me was that I didn't feel the same anymore. He said he could tell that I was with someone else. I began to feel more unsafe because I could feel myself loosing him.

I started crying again because I started missing Big Ski's money. I missed his wealth more than anything. No one else is going to take care of me like Big Ski did. They're not going to spoil or pamper me. No man thinks I'm worth it. They are not going to buy my hair, buy me a car, put me in a newly built penthouse, or give me any large stacks of money. 

I began feeling like all men were being extremely cheap and stingy towards me. It isn't fair, but no one owes me anything. Men in the United States have a "we don't owe you nothing" attitude towards me and that is something I can not change. If they don't like me enough, they just don't like me. They don't even stick around long enough to take me out on my birthday.

I drove around downtown L.A. for a few hours blasting my own music and then stopped at a few places. No one was able to recognize me like they did that day in Beverly Hills. I stopped at a few stores but I didn't buy anything. I was too poor. I sat around all day and waited for GD6Star to hit me back. I covered my whole face, and my whole body and then I pulled over and hid behind a building with graffiti all over it and rolled up a blunt and smoked it. 

A few hours later, something happened that I did not expect to happen. I received a collect call from GD7Star. I did not want no GD7Star! I wanted GD6Star! 

"F*ck this nigga want!?" I said, after I answered the phone. 

GD7Star belonged to his funky baby mother. Not me. I never had a relationship with him and I barely knew him. The only thing I had in common with GD7Star was knowing GD6Star and being from Virginia. I had nothing to offer him, and how the f*ck did he get my number? F*ck that nigga call me for? I ignored his phone call and continued sitting in a parked car behind the raggedy building. 

In downtown L.A. all alone 

I knew that if he called again, I would answer, just to see what he had to say. Or maybe not, because he's the reason I was walking around America poor and lonely in the first place! If he had more humanity towards Big Ski, maybe I would have a stack of money in pocket! I really didn't care if the money was dirty! I'm dirty too! Dirty money can't make me clean I guess. I guess it doesn't work like that. I guess I have to be a more legitimate citizen and live a more honest life. Even if it means living in extreme poverty and disgust. 

A few minutes later, I cut YouTube back on and started watching the biggest female opp in the game- Sexy Bluuee. I watched a video of the famous rapper being in Miami. The first part of the video was okay. I stopped liking the video after about 10 minutes. I did more Google research on Sexy Bluuee, and found out that the rapper is not a real gangster. She has never been locked up, never been to solitary confinement, and is a whole square that was born with a silver spoon.

According to the article, Sexy Bluuee was only in jail for like a few hours or some s*it like that and never put in any gang work. She is just a hoe waving around a flag with a bunch of opps in all of her videos. Sexy Bluuee is a clear example of why members of the same gang turn on each other. I was not happy for her success. 

Sexy Bluuee claims to be a Crip, which is another reason why I don't want to be a Crip anymore. I hate fake gangsters. Alot of my opps listen to Sexy Bluuee, and they brag about her being their favorite female rapper. It really annoys the f*ck out of me. One of my opps even went so far as to say that I'll never make it in the rap game, because of Sexy Bluuee. They said that no one will ever notice me. Sexy Bluuee is a rich square, and I will never like her music. I don't even listen to it, and I am not inspired by anything she does. I don't like women anyways, and I am not affiliated with her just because I claim that gang.

I was hoping that Sexy Bluuee would stay in Miami, but I knew eventually that she would be in L.A. When she does, I want to be safe, and not on the streets hiding behind buildings, sleeping in my car, and sitting in pissy alleyways struggling for my next meal. I wasn't making any money from the Escorts4U.com ad. 

I didn't want to start looking like someone who will hold up a "will rap for food" sign just because of GD6Star. He is the only reason I went back to California, and I'm pretty sure the L.A. streets knew. I didn't really want to go back. It's just too dangerous. I'm outnumbered by opps from all walks of life. At the end of the day, I'm by myself, and GD6Star is not really with me. He is the only person that I know in California. I wasn't city enough for his ass, and I already knew that. I did not grow up in a fast paced city like he did. 

A still clip of Sexy Bluuee's "Free My Crips" music video

Sexy Bluuee's fan base is off the chain and they are all my opps. No one likes me the way that they like Sexy Bluuee and will not buy anything I sell. Even if they are Crip. That's the only reason I watched the video of Sexy Bluuee's interview in Miami anyway. Because I wanted to be a Crip. It's so sad and tragic. Gang banging will never be the same. There is no order in the streets, especially in Los Angeles. L.A. is a weird place, especially when you're trying to exit the gang life. 

I learned that there are two types of Crips - real Crips and fake Crips. Some would argue that Sexy Bluuee is a real Crip because of her power, fame, and influence over the whole nation, and that I'm the fake Crip because I don't have that type of influence, power, and fame. Some would say that I'm just jealous of someone in their 20's, and that I'm just washed up. For me, fame and money isn't the reason why I chose to be a gangbanger. I chose to be a gangbanger because I grew up in the ghetto and on the streets, where I still reside, and had no other way out. I was raised around violent gang members - not rich hoes that pretend.

The fact that I'm not rich or famous shouldn't make me any less of a Crip. I am the complete opposite of a square Crip. I would label myself a real Gangster Crip, and it doesn't have anything to do with my lack of money or fame. At the end of the day, I still have to have humanity towards the weak, fake, silver spoon- looking Crips that imitate real, violent hardcore gangsters. I don't need members to be a gangster. I can be that by myself.

I was so alone, I began to feel more unsafe in L.A. with each passing hour. The gang infestation in California was real. Because majority of the Crips preferred to listen to Sexy Bluuee, I didn't trust any of the Crips there. I really needed the Gangster Disciples in L.A. to protect me, and fast. They are the only gang that I promote unity with. If the gang isn't a Folk Nation set, then they are rivals. 

Of course, all gang members can't be trusted. Downlow niggas like GD4Star and GD8Star make being in a gang look extremely gay and rainbow. They are not real GD's. They can not be a gay GD because gays are not allowed in the set. It ain't that much humanity in the world. 

I have changed their names to Gayboy4 and Gayboy8 and I hoped they weren't running around somewhere claiming GD because they have already been kicked out of the set by me and GD6Star. They can go join the bloods or something. They allow gays to join all the time. I went back on Gayboy4 and Gayboy8's Instagram pages and saw that they had already had the red bandanas on. I had predicted right! They turned blood! They were even in one pic together wearing all red with the red bandanas in their hand. Someone commented on the picture and it read,

Y'all better stay with the bloods and y'all better not come back! 

After I saw that, I got back off Instagram and started writing a new story. I eventually thought about leaving and going back to Phoenix where I was. Phoenix was more my pace. It was more rural areas surrounding it where I could survive on my own with basically no money. I wasn't scared over there. I didn't feel as afraid and there are gangs in Arizona, but not as many as the amount of gangs in California. I knew that I would end up back over there, if I don't die or go to prison in Los Angeles first.